On Grieving Patients

Went to my Living with Life-Threatening Illness class today. The room settled down, and a gentleman stood up. As he began to speak, I focused my attention and listened carefully as this veteran oncologist (a medical doctor) told the story of how his son had died suddenly several years ago. I listened as he told us of three years of grieving and painfully sorting emotions until his life felt livable again. His pain is not gone, and his emotions will likely never be entirely sorted, but he was present, and his story was, at that moment, ours as well.

Knowing that our interaction with patients would probably only occur over a few days or months rather than years, I asked him a question. “As future physicians, what we should be doing in those moments or days in the hospital when patients and their families receive news of fatal prognoses or watch loved ones draw their final breaths? What do we do when the wounds are raw and open?” And, this is what he said.

Just be there.

Don’t try to fix the problem. They don’t want us to try to fix the problem. Don’t tell them how things will be okay. They’re not okay. We need to take off the doctor hat for a moment because what they want is for us to open our hearts and come close. They need to know we care. We may not need to say anything. Less is probably better. Just soak up their grief and share it.

That’s right, future doctors. After 12-15 years of challenging training, the best you can do is sit there and cry. Maybe hug them. They have a lot of hard work to do, and this will help them begin to do it.

I really hope you’re listening.

Note: Permission was granted by the doctor to post his story.