It’s Friday afternoon, and I’m just walking out of my Living With Life Threatening Illness class. I love being in proximity of people who care about other people. Those are great people. I’ve ended today and the week feeling lighter. I feel joyful. I’m walking across the common area toward the catwalk. I look up at the mist in the trees from under my umbrella, and it’s not raining. It’s just beautiful.
I take a deep breath. This week was a long week. We covered a lot of material. We’ll be taking another test in about another week. That test will cover all of the material from this block, and 27% of it will be from the previous two blocks or material - chemistry, biochemistry and that sort of thing.
I feel like my attitude improved this week. After not having done well on the last test, I just want to do better. I think the conversation with Dr. O yesterday was helpful. She tends to lift my spirits. She is a transparent person, I think. I really don't feel like she holds things back or filters her speech beyond what she has taught herself is allowable (professionally and socially) over the years. I like that. I remember years ago being told I shouldn’t let other people know what I think. God forbid I should ever write it down.
Transparency as a doctor is an important quality, I think. Seems as though most of us are on a covert op to not allow others to know what we are thinking, or to know what we know or don’t know, or to protect our territory and reputations. And, I don’t think we can ever truly care for others when we don't let go of those things. - There will be challenges. There will be paradigm shifts. I came here to turn my world upside down, to ripen fruit, and to make every day count. Once you’re here, that’s pretty much unavoidable… I have to laugh.
It’s been a good week.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
3-Day Weekends are Cool
The biochem test could have gone better. Could have gone worse, I suppose. Have come up with some excellent excuses, but none really seem adequate. I persevere and resolve to improve.
Gorgeous day today. Sky was clear. Mountains were clean and distinct on the drive up from Salem. Listened to bullfrogs over the three-day weekend. Ate dinner at a nice Mexican restaurant. Had fattening Chinese food at the Panda. Talked about how great it would be to have some property in Montana and what we would do with it. Looked at websites and dreamed about specific places we would love to live.
The road seems long. Hillary has another 5 hard months until she completes the admin program, and I have several challenging years ahead. We decide to try to have as much fun as we can along the way.
Katy laughs at little things, and we envy her bliss. Life will be better when it's simpler and contains less pressure, we observe. We have had more long, hard patches than we would have preferred. We love each other a little more now.
Gorgeous day today. Sky was clear. Mountains were clean and distinct on the drive up from Salem. Listened to bullfrogs over the three-day weekend. Ate dinner at a nice Mexican restaurant. Had fattening Chinese food at the Panda. Talked about how great it would be to have some property in Montana and what we would do with it. Looked at websites and dreamed about specific places we would love to live.
The road seems long. Hillary has another 5 hard months until she completes the admin program, and I have several challenging years ahead. We decide to try to have as much fun as we can along the way.
Katy laughs at little things, and we envy her bliss. Life will be better when it's simpler and contains less pressure, we observe. We have had more long, hard patches than we would have preferred. We love each other a little more now.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
On Humility
It has been suggested to me by a person I value greatly that I may not have been as humble as I could have been as I have posted entries here. My principal worry is that I may be off-putting and prevent folks from thinking about things that may be important to them and interfere with their learning. Since we all are correct only a portion of the time we express an idea (say... 80%), I think we do need to realize that we can be wrong, and, usually, we have no idea as to when that might be. Therefore, we have a real need for some humility.
We do need confidence, however, in order to provide our views publicly, and the two qualities are certainly not mutually exclusive. I think we must be confident enough to make the effort to share our views, so we may learn from one another and refine our own ideas through the critical review process. Good ideas can be used by others, and we need to weed out the 20% of confusion. I do think this blog has and will make me a better sharer of ideas, and I hope it contributes to you all, especially as you think about medical careers. I am convinced this forum has potential.
So, please accept my apologies if I have appeared arrogant in the course of this thing. I readily confess to having many imperfections. Please read between the lines to glean what you may and set any flaws of mine to the side. Thanks.
We do need confidence, however, in order to provide our views publicly, and the two qualities are certainly not mutually exclusive. I think we must be confident enough to make the effort to share our views, so we may learn from one another and refine our own ideas through the critical review process. Good ideas can be used by others, and we need to weed out the 20% of confusion. I do think this blog has and will make me a better sharer of ideas, and I hope it contributes to you all, especially as you think about medical careers. I am convinced this forum has potential.
So, please accept my apologies if I have appeared arrogant in the course of this thing. I readily confess to having many imperfections. Please read between the lines to glean what you may and set any flaws of mine to the side. Thanks.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Back At It
We hit the ground running after this past Christmas break. Right back into biochemistry. We will cover a couple of semester's material in 8 days. No, really. I'm not kidding. It includes genetics, too. Be a boy scout, Wannabees. Be prepared.
Caught a cold pretty much as soon as I arrived. Not terrible, but it does interfere with my ability to concentrate. Once again, as a caregiver, I hope I remember these moments and somehow gain the ability to truly place myself in the hospital booties of the patients who are lying on the operating table. We easily forget our sick moments and take our health for granted, but in those hours or days or months when illness strikes, our world is a mess and our hope ebbs. My goal is to recall this perspective.
From the words of Heraclitus: "It is not good for all your wishes to be fulfilled: through sickness you recognize the value of health , through evil the value of good, through hunger satisfaction, through exertion, the value of rest." If I can use these experiences of illness to change the way I treat others, I will not only recognize the value of health for my own sake, but I will provide better for others as I become more compassionate and seek more diligently to ease their suffering. As a physician, they will present me with the potential to become an enzymatic cascade of healthy change in people's lives. Yeah, Heraclitus, I think that would be good.
Caught a cold pretty much as soon as I arrived. Not terrible, but it does interfere with my ability to concentrate. Once again, as a caregiver, I hope I remember these moments and somehow gain the ability to truly place myself in the hospital booties of the patients who are lying on the operating table. We easily forget our sick moments and take our health for granted, but in those hours or days or months when illness strikes, our world is a mess and our hope ebbs. My goal is to recall this perspective.
From the words of Heraclitus: "It is not good for all your wishes to be fulfilled: through sickness you recognize the value of health , through evil the value of good, through hunger satisfaction, through exertion, the value of rest." If I can use these experiences of illness to change the way I treat others, I will not only recognize the value of health for my own sake, but I will provide better for others as I become more compassionate and seek more diligently to ease their suffering. As a physician, they will present me with the potential to become an enzymatic cascade of healthy change in people's lives. Yeah, Heraclitus, I think that would be good.
More on Relationships
After reading the Christmas post, I remember a poem of sorts I wrote a couple of years back about our blended family. Here it is:
This House
A lot of living has gone on in this house.
A lot of toilets have been flushed. A few have been clogged.
The old wooden floors have been pounded by the feet of grown-ups and children, friends and neighbors.
How many times was I sure the equity was being stomped out splinter by splinter?
A lot of living has gone on in this house.
More than one can of soup has been poured in a pot on the stove to simmer.
Ethan baked more cookies than I can count.
And, many pans of sweet rolls have sent the smell of cinnamon into Sunday kitchen air to catch unwary early risers. Never a burned finger. More than one thank you. And, I don’t feel one bit more tired today for those half hours I slipped out of bed a bit earlier.
A lot of living has gone on in this house.
The doorbell has been rung by every neighborhood kid and solicitor.
Halloween candy, the Christmas wreaths and the old, torn mat have shared the seasons on the front porch.
I can still hear Ethan’s clubs clank as he headed out for his first golf tournament.
Water balloon fights and paintball matches, car washes and early morning cans to the curb, boy-scalped lawns and candlelit family dinners have all graced this yard.
The back door frame holds the human ruler marking the growth spurts of youth and the lack thereof in maturity. It’s the only spot where we all squeeze together in one 24" space.
Harvey’s fingerprints have signed every wall and ceiling, every door and its frame.
Three kids would lay stacked like cordwood on Harvey’s bed in impassioned video game bliss.
Arguments and hugs with low-tone I love you’s, bickering and cajoling still ring in the hallway.
The north end of the dining room still holds Katy’s heart as she crossed her arms in defiance and sometimes gave her every effort to please and understand as she learned to read. Somehow, I think this is where she truly learned how much I care.
Echo ghosts roam about in the silence.
A lot of living has gone on in this house.
A lot of living will go on in other houses.
They will take this living with them.
It’s just a house.
By Paul Reynolds, the morning after Harvey and Katy went to Grandma and Grandpa’s and Mom and Ethan went to Japan. Thoughts on having to sell the house to pay legal bills. 6/18/2006
This House
A lot of living has gone on in this house.
A lot of toilets have been flushed. A few have been clogged.
The old wooden floors have been pounded by the feet of grown-ups and children, friends and neighbors.
How many times was I sure the equity was being stomped out splinter by splinter?
A lot of living has gone on in this house.
More than one can of soup has been poured in a pot on the stove to simmer.
Ethan baked more cookies than I can count.
And, many pans of sweet rolls have sent the smell of cinnamon into Sunday kitchen air to catch unwary early risers. Never a burned finger. More than one thank you. And, I don’t feel one bit more tired today for those half hours I slipped out of bed a bit earlier.
A lot of living has gone on in this house.
The doorbell has been rung by every neighborhood kid and solicitor.
Halloween candy, the Christmas wreaths and the old, torn mat have shared the seasons on the front porch.
I can still hear Ethan’s clubs clank as he headed out for his first golf tournament.
Water balloon fights and paintball matches, car washes and early morning cans to the curb, boy-scalped lawns and candlelit family dinners have all graced this yard.
The back door frame holds the human ruler marking the growth spurts of youth and the lack thereof in maturity. It’s the only spot where we all squeeze together in one 24" space.
Harvey’s fingerprints have signed every wall and ceiling, every door and its frame.
Three kids would lay stacked like cordwood on Harvey’s bed in impassioned video game bliss.
Arguments and hugs with low-tone I love you’s, bickering and cajoling still ring in the hallway.
The north end of the dining room still holds Katy’s heart as she crossed her arms in defiance and sometimes gave her every effort to please and understand as she learned to read. Somehow, I think this is where she truly learned how much I care.
Echo ghosts roam about in the silence.
A lot of living has gone on in this house.
A lot of living will go on in other houses.
They will take this living with them.
It’s just a house.
By Paul Reynolds, the morning after Harvey and Katy went to Grandma and Grandpa’s and Mom and Ethan went to Japan. Thoughts on having to sell the house to pay legal bills. 6/18/2006
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