In case there are folks actually reading this, I am taking a one year leave of absence from school. My plan is to help Hillary with her new schoolwork and make a real effort at our marriage and relationship. The distance apart and challenge of two difficult programs were more than seemed manageable at one time. We will get her program finished this summer and then see if we can’t improve ourselves as a couple moving forward.
I rested and became human again for the first month and dove in on some important tasks that were pending for Hillary. Now that things are on firmer footing, I will study when I can and possibly work on an old book I had started. This break has already given me a chance to realign my priorities and think hard about where God wants me. School has been both joyful and disappointing. At some point I may elaborate as to why.
I will likely write here over the next year. Hopefully, it will lend an extra-interesting perspective to an already odd student profile like mine. I begin school again next February. Hope this finds you in good spirits and in good health.
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I love you, Paulie, and I hope and pray with all my heart that you do listen very long and carefully as to what plans your Creator has for you. For me, personally, I'm finding it extremely difficult to humble myself enough to open my ears to Him, without having negative feelings about myself. And that, too, is a form of arrogance, I find, because I have once again rechanneled the focus on me rather than Him. It is a long, agonizing process, but it is not who I am or what I do, it is who God is. He has an amazing, patient, gentle, jealous personality. Some days I can only think on the "jealous" part of Him because at least that reminds me that I am His, I belong to Him, He calls the galaxies by name, yet He loves me with that immense amount of Love. That, and that alone give me worth. YOU have worth, Paul. If He can humble Himself enough to wear the fragile human body of an unattractive man, be spat on, be beaten, bear unspeakable pain, then who are we? If He can Love that much, who are we? Where were we when He laid the foundations of the universes and hung the stars and moons? Who are we to do anything at all except to say, "Here I am. I'm yours. Do with me what You will." I don't know about you, but I can hardly breathe when I meditate on this. I truly am nothing without Him breathing breath into me. And I find these moments of complete submission only last a moment. Then I'm off on my own, self-driven tangent again.
ReplyDeleteSorry! I just got carried away there. Big breath! Relax. Big breath. Blow it out. Let's go lose ourselves by loving everyone else! Angels, Mom
Hey Mom - Hillary and I had a very similar conversation just last night. Funny how that happens... :0) I think we must be on the right track. Love you guys. Take good care. P
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