An ending

Thought I would get the week started with a bit of catch up. Am beginning to get back on track after a setback. I mention a personal issue here simply because it occurs frequently in the lives of medical students and want folks to be aware of its possible impact on them. After much discussion and heartfelt sharing over the last year or two, my wife and I have decided that we will go ahead and be divorced this summer. We had been advised by our counselor last summer that we were probably not well-suited for one another and that we should seriously consider it. I had taken a year off from school hoping that we might repair and solidify the relationship (among other things), but we have not succeeded. We are in a great deal of pain over it, but are convinced it is for the better. Ours is less a product of med school than other influences, but the stress and strain of my schooling has certainly been a factor in our decision. Talking with other married students, I have heard many stories describing the challenges of maintaining a good relationship while enduring the pressures of the program. My best suggestion is simply to try to maintain perspective, rely on good support groups, find them if you have none, and love one another as best you can. If you have children, all the more, but I don’t need to tell you that. If you are both strong and willing to sacrifice for the long term goals of both marriage and doctorhood, I think you will be able to come up with creative methods of staying together. I wish you well if you are in that situation.

The Day After

... the last day of school. Aaaahhhhh....

Okay, so it's been two months. Two very intense months. Lots going on that I hope to write about over the summer. For now, just want to be normal again. Washed the car yesterday. Too tired to vacuum it. May have had something to do with the celebration get-together after the test... Maybe will do that today. Tons to catch up on. The list is long and am cooking my teriyaki chicken at Garrett's BBQ today. Been a loooong time since I've made it. Nice to feel like I'm human... and to have a fairly normal list of things to do. Best make a dent in it.

Good morning, good morning

Aaaahhhh.... another night lasting til 2. It's a bizarre experience to regularly look up at the clock on consecutive days and realize how late it has become. It is easy to lose track of time when so immersed in the material we are asked and expected to learn. Long gone are the days of pleasure reading and absorbing what was gently laid before us. This is a focused effort, indeed.

Nothing to fear or shrink from, however. We must all strive to become lumps of coal here. We are each the product of the vital, living matter that came before us. We are that matter compressed down into the last remnants of its energy-gathering capacity. And although we are smudgy and smelly, we are truly capable of being ignited. Not hesitating, we must allow ourselves to be ignited and ignite our own selves to provide light and warmth to anyone in our vicinity until we become ash and are blown away in the wind.

We are an odd mix. We have our 'gunners' and 'bleeding hearts', our 'ever-so-hopefuls' and diligent, 'keep-to-themselves' folks. I seem to be some of each. Most are fearful - of failure, mostly. I confess am definitely part of that secret club. Most are well-bred and are known to stay within the lines drawn by those who prefer a structured society. Of course, this is harder for me as an old guy who has long since realized that corrals are erected by the owners of horses. And, I will never become fully strong unless I run unhindered on prairies where I seek out seasonal grass. As always, my hope is that we will accept one another fully and with some grace. I hope we will believe in the best parts of each of us and goad one another to higher heights - for our sakes and for those who will come after.

To be certain this will happen less often than it should. We are a competitive bunch and overwhelmed by the challenges in front of our noses. How much it will dim the light we began with will be a testament to the way we were created. If it be a refining, for glory. If it be a wasting, for shame. The day begins.

Another month gone... I think it started with an "M"...

March was good. Blurry, but good.

Took some tests. Did some studying. Thought about the future. Got rained on almost every day. Had a Spring Break. Felt a bit more settled and got into a better groove.

Started an Emergency Medicine preceptorship. I float between Peds and Adult medicine. I go wherever the doctor goes... :0) He's actually a great doc. Even personality, wealth of knowledge, excellent teacher, takes the time to teach when he can, very dedicated, etc. Am learning and getting to see some interesting things.

Am seeing the kinds of people who come through the ED. Some of them come through more than others. Some people think they belong there. Some people think they don't. Watched a surgeon put in a chest tube. Kind of cool. Learned how to tie suture left-handed from watching him. I knew I would learn things here... - Got to take a history for a girl having an apparent asthma challenge. Was nice to see her get better. - Sometimes it's hard to tell who is sick and who isn't. We just can't seem to find anything wrong with them. Seems crazy that someone would sue you when you are doing your best.

I like watching people as they are experiencing their lives - even if the ED is a challenging place to have experiences. I like helping them through those moments. As I see more people having those experiences, I have a new source of "experiential wisdom" that I can use to guide them through the maze.

The ED is a bizarre combination of folks from all walks of life finding themselves in the commonly human predicament of imperfection and vulnerability meeting mankind's technology and systems in the hands and minds of its proponents of goodwill. We do an interesting thing there. But, stepping back, it's mostly a business. Pressure exists to get things done, and the source of it seems to be hierarchical rather than "heart-archical". It feels more like a production line than a workday at church. There are just too many people waiting outside, and we never know how many more will be coming. The fact that the folks there care as much as they do is particularly amazing. They are a special breed.